From the vault. This post originally appeared Nov. 9, 2018.
The first sign of trouble was when I clicked on the little “buy” button to purchase a pair of pants. One of those shadowy boxes popped up, the kind that bothers you to sign up for something, or subscribe to a website. Only this one wasn’t asking me to sign up for anything. This one had a message.
Your purchase has been denied. Thank you. Please don’t attempt to shop with us again.
Odd, I thought, as I stared at the little box. I closed it out, and tried to click the buy button again. Same thing. Purchase denied.
I was sitting there puzzling it over, and wasting more of my employer’s time when Wilson stepped into my office.
“Lunch?” he asked. “I was thinking of going over to Bacon. Just two more visits and I get a free slab.”
Bacon was the new place a few blocks over. It served nothing but bacon. But in a lot of different styles, minced, chopped, straight up in strips, you name it.
“Not right now,” I said. “I’m trying to figure out why I can’t buy pants.”
“Do you know your size?” he asked. “That’s probably the first thing, that and the color you want.”
“Yes, of course I know my size,” I said. “It’s not that.”
Wilson looked concerned and said, “I can lend you a few dollars if you’re squeezed.”
“No, it’s not like that either,” I said.
I explained the situation to him and he listened intently, taking all the information in.
“Do you know what your CLV number is?” he asked.
“That’s my good cholesterol, right? Why is that a concern?” I said. “I think it’s pretty good, well within the recommended range. But what does it have to do with me not being able to buy pants?”
“No, no,” he said. “Your CLV is your Customer Lifetime Value number. It’s the number companies use to determine how valuable you are to them over the course of your lifetime. Basically, it tells them if you’re worth doing business with.”
“I never heard of it,” I said.
“Most people haven’t. It’s not like you have access to it anyway. But that could be why you can’t buy pants,” Wilson said.
“You mean…”
“Yes,” he said, nodding. “It’s not worth the time and effort it takes to sell you something. Your probably have a history of only buying things when they’re marked down, and you probably return a lot of items. Do you?”
“Well…” I said, and Wilson kept going. “You just might not be a quality customer to this website. But I never heard of a site blocking someone from buying something.”
“That does seem a little aggressive.”
“Let me see what you’re trying to buy, and then I’ll try to buy it. That way we can see if it’s really you.”
Wilson went to get his laptop, and was back in a flash, setting up shop in the chair in front of my desk. I shared the information with him on my attempted pants purchase. The waist size was a bit embarrassing being that Wilson was Mr. Fit and Trim.
Wilson tapped at his keyboard and said, “Yup, no problem for me. Although a rep is asking me if I’ve gained weight, and if everything is okay.”
“Their level of concern is touching,” I said.
“See, I’m pretty sure I have a really good CLV score,” he said, bragging. “But let’s try a little test.”
“Will it involve me being rejected from buying something? I’m not quite sure I can take anymore rejection today,” I said.
Wilson slid his chair around to the corner of the desk and set his laptop on the desk so I could see what he was doing. He went to the website for his wireless carrier and checked his balance.
“Not a bad monthly plan,” I said.
He closed out of that, then went to a wireless competitor’s site. He surfed around a bit, and then clicked on deals and plans. He was busying himself with browsing the various plans and options when his phone rang.
“Aha,” he said. “Just as I suspected.”
He took the call and put it on speaker. A happy rep greeted Wilson with a big hello and asked how he was doing. Pleasantries were exchanged, and the rep got down to business.
“We like to periodically check in with our best clients to see how they are doing, gauge their level of satisfaction, and see if there is any way we can improve their wireless experience,” the guy said.
Wilson was beaming as he answered. “All is good on my end,” he said. “Although it would be nice if I could get that monthly charge down a little lower. I’ve noticed other carriers are running some pretty attractive deals.”
“Done,” the man said, before Wilson could finish asking. “How is that?”
We both watched as Wilson’s wireless bill plunged on the screen before our very eyes. Wilson thanked the guy and ended the call.
“What the…” was all I could manage to say.
“They can track when you click on a competitor’s website,” he said. “They saw me checking out other carriers and, bang, lower bill for me.”
I sat back, stunned.
“You try it,” Wilson said.
I went to my wireless company’s website, poked around my bill then headed to a couple of competitors websites and looked at their offers. Minutes passed with nothing, no calls, no texts, nothing.
“Maybe they’re busy,” Wilson said, trying to make me feel better.
Before I could respond my phone rang. I put the call on speaker. It was a woman who sounded like she was on the other side of the planet.
“Hello, sir,” she said. “We are happy to have had you as a customer for six years.”
“Well, thank you,” I said. “And I’m…”
“Do you want to go to another wireless provider?” she asked.
I much preferred Wilson’s rep. Happy and chipper and a sunny disposition. My gal was a little rough around the edges. Maybe she was having a bad day.
“Well, I am little concerned about my bill,” I said.
“Good,” she said. “I’ll help you switch. I can auto-fill all your information with your new company. Which of our competitors would you like to go to? We’ll even pay the first month on your new plan.”
“I…I…” I stammered, at a loss.
I quickly ended the call before anything happened. Wilson shook his head and said, “You may need to work on getting your CLV up.”
“Thanks,” I said.
As Wilson left I heard him say, “And I’ll take that $83 for the pants. No way I’m returning them.”