The jockeying began as soon as we piled into the elevator to head to the lobby. There were nine of us, counting the boss, Stevens. He was big on walking meetings. Said it allowed everyone to get outside, think sharper, and get more done.
I wasn’t sure about any of that. I personally liked the old meetings, where we sat on our asses and fought to stay awake. Now everything was all about wellness, health, and moving.
We pushed into the elevator and tried to position ourselves for the best spot to suck up to the boss. It turned ugly in seconds, with colleagues elbowing one another and stepping on toes.
I was determined to do better this time. Last time out I was squeezed to the back of the pack. I couldn’t get near the Big Guy. There was a ring of suck-ups around him, like a cycling team protecting a star rider in the Tour de France.
“What side you going on?” Wilson asked me, under his breath.
“Right,” I said.
“I’ll go left. Good luck.”
The elevator dinged and the doors opened. I was first out but somehow Glick had grabbed the pole position. He was practically in Stevens’ clothes. I took care of that by angling my shoulder and stepping toward the boss, pinching Glick to the outside.
Stevens looked and me and asked, “Any word on the Amalgamated dot-com contract? That would be a big win.”
It was beautiful, I had the Big Guy’s attention.
“I just heard back this a-m, boss,” I said. “Everything looks–“
There was a flash as someone raced past me. Son of a bitch, it was the gal from Marketing, Engagement and User Satisfaction. Stacey something. She blew past us like she was fleeing the building. She slipped out the next door, then raced to the one we were heading for and pulled it open for Stevens.
I was on to her. She was going to try to squeeze me out. But I wasn’t having any of it. Stevens and I crossed outside together and I refused to budge as she stepped in front of me.
She slowed and started talking to Stevens but I didn’t give an inch. I was walking into her back every time we took a stride now, like some weird tandem walking exercise.
“Big news for Engagement this morning,” she said to the boss, refusing to acknowledge I was behind her. I was close enough to smell her shampoo. “We hit half-a-million views on the video for the new self-hydration unit.”
Stevens glanced at her and said, “The water bottle?”
“Yes,” she said, enthusiastically.
Then the Big Guy glanced back at me, his face twisted in puzzlement. It was a look that said I was maybe a bit to too close to Stacey, at least for in public. It was also definitely an HR violation, possibly bordering on fireable offense.
I admitted defeat and slowed a half step. I was sucked up by the pack, buried in anonymity with the losers. I looked to the other flank, to Stevens’ left. Nothing doing there. Wilson, Jen and the new guy from Unilever, Lars, had that side locked up tight.
I was plotting my next move when I saw Andy, the reigning office suck-up champ, race by the group on the left. Wait, was he dressed in…in biking clothes? Good heavens, he was. It was one of those one piece outfits, like a biking onesie. He even had a helmet on with one of those little dentist mirror-on-a-pole things extending out of his head.
“Hey, sorry, I’m late,” he said as he stepped around Lars to grab the lead spot next to Stevens. “But I just got done with a fifty-miler,” Andy said, pretending to wipe his brow.
No way the Big Man was going to fall for this crap, I thought. But then Stevens slapped him on the back like they were college buds. “Fifty? Heck of a job, Andy. I got half of that in this morning, and I thought I was ambitious.”
I’ll be damned. It was working. To top it off, Andy was using the little dentist mirror thing to keep an eye on the pack behind him. It was brilliant. The man should be giving seminars.
All bets were off now. If Andy was going to walk around in a pseudo body-painted biking get-up with his stupid biking shoes clicking on the sidewalk to get ahead, then hell, anything went.
Someone jostled me on my right. It was Lars. The man must have done a one-eighty and darted around the back to my side. And he stepped right in front of Stacey, grabbing the first position and forcing her back into me.
Now I was three back. Unacceptable. I looked up ahead and plotted. I waited for the right moment then made my move. I stepped to the side, went wide and quickened my stride. It was like I was passing in the trucks-only lane.
I slid in front of Lars and tossed my smoke grenade as a diversion.
“Hey, is that one of those new wi-fi equipped helmets?” I asked Andy, shifting all the attention to the other side.
The Big Guy and everyone else looked at Andy’s helmet. As soon as they did, I stepped around the light pole I knew was in front of me.
“Uhhhhhhhh,” Lars said, walking into it with a clang.
Stevens never saw it. He was too busy talking to Andy about the bike helmet.
“You know, I think I’m actually going to get us a better deal on that Amalgamated contract,” I said, bringing his attention back to my side.
“Where’s Lars,” he asked.
“Who?” I asked.
“The new guy,” he said.
“No idea,” I said.
There was heavy breathing over my shoulder. Then the Swede said, “You. Will. Pay.”
It struck fear in my heart.