From the vault. Originally appeared January 12, 2018
The interview went well, until it began. That was when the subject of the resume came up. But first there was a question about the job itself.
“We’re a fast growing website. This is a big spot, the one we have open,” Chet Dinkleberry, said. “You think you can handle it?”
“News editor, right? I’ve got twenty years in newspapers, and ten more at leading media websites, of course I can handle it,” Murphy said.
“It’s actually, Global News Editor,” Dinkleberry said.
“Global News Editor?”
“Yes.”
“What exactly does that mean?”
“What do you think it means?”
“I’d be in charge of all the news that takes place anywhere on earth.”
“Yes,” Dinkleberry said. “And in space.”
“Space?”
“Yes, a lot of earth-based companies are doing space exploration stuff, you know Bezos, Musk, even Branson says he’s going to fly people all over. We’d need you to cover all that as well. I mean, of course until Mars or the Moon is colonized. Then we’d probably spring for a freelancer to stay up there, or something.”
“So, I’m in charge of everything that happens on earth, and in space? At any time?”
“Correct.”
“That’s a lot of ground, and air, to cover.”
“It’s a big job. That’s why we bumped up the salary. We can pay eighty now. Thousand.”
“That’s not all that great, for such a big job,” Murphy said.
“We have an attractive, and competitive, benefits and employee time off policy,” Dinkleberry said. “We also have a best of class wellness program.”
There was a knock at the door and young woman stuck her head in and asked, “How are you doing Mr. Dinkle…Tinkle…” her voice trailed off as she studied her iPad. “Mr. Drinking Berry?”
“I’m well, thanks.”
“Perfect,” she said, cheerily, recording the response on the tablet and leaving.
“That’s what I’m talking about,” Dinkleberry said. “Someone from Wellness checks on you every hour, if not once a week. It’s gets to be a bit much, but you get used to it. I give a smiling, upbeat answer and they leave me alone.”
“About the employee time off,” Murphy said. “How much time off do I get?”
“You know, I’m not sure. I haven’t taken a day in a long time, years, maybe longer,” he said.
“Longer than years?”
“Yes, like string some together, what’s that called?”
“A decade.”
“Possibly. Anyway, back to the job,” Dinkleberry said. “You know, your resume is the longest thing I read today. It’s…two pages.”
“I shortened it from three,” Murphy said.
Dinkleberry checked to see if his office door was closed. “What I’m about to tell you never leaves this office. If you say that I said it, I’ll deny it. I’ll say you’re a crackpot.”
“You have my word.”
“Good, because HR would be all over me. Probably report me to each other. God knows there’s enough of them running around here yelling about sensitivity this, and sensitivity that. They have their own floor where they all sit around like kings. Don’t get me started.”
“I won’t.”
“Here’s the deal, Murphy. I’m not all that much younger than you, so I know what you’re up against. Guys like us, we have a problem. Years ago it was a good problem. Like back when our fathers were working. Like when Nixon was in office. Then it became an just an okay problem. This was when like when, hmmm…okay like when Clinton was in office. Then sometime more recently, like say after the financial crisis, it became an actual, real problem problem for guys like us.”
“Can I ask what it is?”
“You just did.”
“Yes, my mistake.”
“I like that, you admit mistakes freely. That’s good. But if you get the job, the Global News Editor spot, you won’t make mistakes, right?”
“Almost certainly not.”
“The problem I’m talking about, is experience. Know what I’m saying? You have too much of it. It used to be good thing, then it was just tolerated, but now it’s bad,” Dinkleberry said.
“But if I’m in charge of making sure all news that happens everywhere, at any time, gets covered on the website, isn’t it good to get an experienced hand? Someone who remembers the first Gulf War? The first Bush administration. The Mets winning the World Series?”
Dinkleberry slammed a fist on his desk. “Yes, damm, right we do. And no, not really. See, in the Global News Editor spot you got to start with a blank mind every minute, okay, every second. That way anything that happens is news. Our analytics and metrics people found the average adult attention span is seven-tenths of a second. Hell, I don’t even remember what you were wearing when you walked in the office.”
Murphy blinked rapidly and gripped the armrest to try and help his head to stop spinning. Dinkleberry blinked back rapidly at him, like he was trying to keep up.
“Okay, look,” Dinkleberry said. “I’m going to offer you the job. Right here, right now. I’m formally offering you the position of Global News Editor.”
“Can I let you know tomorrow? I’d like to-“
“No, I know when I’ve found my guy, and you’re my guy. You’re also the seventy-third person we’ve interviewed for the job. The first seventy-one said they wanted to think it over. We never heard from them again.”
“What about the seventy-second?”
Dinkleberry shrugged. “Jury’s still out. She passed out while I was reading the position’s duties and responsibilities. The EMTs took her to St. Luke’s. We never heard from her again, she could be dead for all I know.”
“Even just an hour would be helpful,” Murphy said.
“Not to me,” Dinkleberry said. “Offer is on the table.”
Murphy’s mind was a jumble of thoughts. A paycheck, mortgage, tuition, benefits, 26-hour days, all sped through his head.
“Okay,” he said.
Dinkleberry slammed his desk again. “That’s the enthusiasm I like to hear. We’ll get you signed up with a Wellness coach first thing.”