“This hearing of the Senate Committee on Hearings to Get to the Bottom of Things, will now begin. I’m Senator Jeffrey Boone. To my left is the committee’s co-chair, Senator Richard Doggle. Our first witness is Mr. Herbert B. Evasive. Mr. Evasive is the chief executive officer of URConnected. Mr. Evasive, before we get to questions from committee members, do you have an opening statement?”
Herb B. Evasive: “So…first, I want to thank Senators Boone and Doggle for inviting, summoning, and subpoenaing, me and my executive team to appear before the comimittee. We know privacy is of the utmost importance to the American people, and we are honored to have been forced, and shamed into appearing.”
Senator Doggle: “Mr. Evasive, I’ll tell you right off the bat that this committee is outraged by the appalling lack of security, checks and balances, and frankly, common sense at your company. Can you explain what is going on at URConnected?”
Herb B. Evasive: “So…first off, can I introduce my executive team? Good. To my immediate left is our chief counsel, Rich Mouthpiece. The eleven people to his left are his assistants, and other lawyers. Here on my right is, well, my right hand man. The man who founded URConnected with me in my grandparents’ attic, Teddy Tekboy.”
Teddy Tekboy: “It was actually the little crawl space above your grandparents’ attic. Remember? We wanted to see what it was like to be a bat. What’s that little area called anyway? Like the eves, or something?”
Senator Boone: “That’s all well and good, but can you please explain to the committee the lack of security that exposed the Social Security and credit card numbers, the medical history, and drivers test score, of every single living American?”
Herb B. Evasive: “So…that’s not entirely accurate. There’s a gentleman living in Anchorage, whose information was not exposed.”
Teddy Tekboy: “Yes, but we moved quickly to take care of that by issuing a special alert making public all his personal information. That way no one would feel left out.”
Senator Doggle: “Incredible.”
Teddy Tekboy: “Yes, it is. But we are all about creating an inclusive culture at URConnected. We take that commitment to inclusiveness seriously, and we acted swiftly to rectify the unfortunate situation that resulted in one American being left out.”
Senator Doggle: “The committee applauds your efforts. But it doesn’t explain how a sophisticated technology company that tens of millions of Americans trust, or used to trust, could be so lax in protecting those very people.”
Teddy Tekboy: “Uh, can I ask a question?”
Senator Doggle: “Please.”
Teddy Tekboy: “Is Elizabeth Warren on this committee?”
Senator Boone: “No, she’s not.”
Teddy Tekboy: “Yay.”
Herb B. Evasive: “Thank God. I mean, of course, if you believe in God. But I’m not saying you have to believe. As Teddy said, we are all about inclusivity at URConnected. We’ll sell, share, and exploit the private information of believers, and non-believers alike.”
Senator Doggle: “Mr. Evasive, would you please just answer the question. How can you be so lax in protecting the privacy of your users? Isn’t privacy even valued at URConnected?
Herb B. Evasive: “So…privacy, in all its many forms, and there are many shades of privacy, but all shades of privacy are very much valued at URConnected. User trust is something we value highly, and look to exploit when it serves us. So yes, user trust is a sacred, and very profitable, bond for us. Privacy and trust are highly valued at URConnected?”
Senator Doggle: “Mr. Tekboy?”
Teddy Tekboy: “Yes, I would have to agree with Herb. Privacy is very much valued, it’s right after profit. A solid number two. Maybe number three after the design of our new headquarters. We’re going to have the first virtual reality ping-pong center.”
Herb B. Evasive: “And a sweatshirt store.”
Senator Boone: “Frankly, I’m astounded by this.”
Teddy Tekboy: “The ping pong thing? It is pretty awesome.”
Senator Boone: “No, that you would admit to putting profit before privacy.”
Herb B. Evasive: “Ah duh.”
Teddy Tekboy: “Yeah, like when was the last time Wall Street asked, “Hey, how private will you be this quarter?”
Herb B. Evasive: “Like, the day after never, right?”
Rich Mouthpiece: “If I could just jump in here for a second. I’d like to make it clear that Teddy was speaking strictly in the hypothetical when he referenced a Wall Street analyst asking how private URConnected would be in any one quarter. There is, to the best of my knowledge, no known record of that question ever being asked, and if there was we would have moved quickly to have the proof destroyed, or at the very least hidden at the bottom of one of our server farms in Iowa.”
Senator Doggle: “Now I can see why this committee never received any of the documentation requested by the committee.”
Rich Mouthpiece: “Again, if I may…we have been identifying, compiling, and in some cases shredding many of the documents requested, and we hope to not have those to you in the very distant future.”
Senator Boone: “This is outrageous.”
Senator Doggle: “It’s appalling, is what it is. You lead your customers to believe their privacy is protected, and it’s not.”
Senator Boone: “Give me one good reason why URConnected, and your whole industry should not be regulated.”
Rich Mouthpiece: “If I could just say URConnected opposes–“
Senator Doggle: “Shut up. I asked Herb B. Evasive, not you. Go ahead give me one good reason why you shouldn’t be regulated.”
Herb B. Evasive: “Ah…so…uh, I don’t know, maybe I wouldn’t be as rich if there were regulations.”
Teddy Tekboy: “Good answer.”